What Does Your “Relationship with Money” Actually Mean?

Why “Relationship with Money” Is Becoming a Buzzword

As financial therapy continues to grow in recognition, perhaps you’ve noticed the phrase “Relationship with Money” becoming more widely used, especially by those in the personal finance space. Recently, I’ve seen targeted marketing ads that say something like, “Heal your relationship with money today!” but the call to action is prompting me to apply for a debt consolidation loan or to open an investment account at a brokerage firm.

Buying a Financial Product doesn’t Heal a Relationship

I’ve been left confused about what the marketing folks must think the connection is between buying a financial product and healing a relationship dynamic? On one hand, I’m excited that they’re spreading the truth that money is inherently emotional and relational. But the way in which the phrase is being used, especially by my colleagues in the personal finance world, still gives me pause. Do we even know what we’re talking about when we say “relationship with money”? Or are we just using it as a buzzword to attract more customers to buy our financial products?

In this post, I’ll discuss how the personal finance world is using the phrase “relationship with money,” and then share my perspective on what this phrase actually means as a financial therapist who uses a relational lens in my practice. 

How the Personal Finance World Misuses this Phrase

When I hear folks use the phrase “relationship with money”– especially my colleagues in the personal finance world – my sense is that they often aren’t actually talking about a relationship. Most of the time they seem to be talking about being able to follow a checklist of action items that are commonly accepted as “good” or “healthy” financial behaviors. Behaviors such as living within your means (spending less than you make), having a clear budget, saving 10% of your income, maxing out your 401k contributions, and so forth. In their perspective, being able to follow the plan and check off all the action items is somehow supposed to equate to having a healthy relationship with money.

What a True “Relationship with Money” Looks Like

As a financial therapist, I want to push back on this common misuse of this phrase “relationship with money,” because it is based on a foundational misconception of what a relationship is. I want to challenge folks to think of their relationship with money as just that – a literal relationship. 

An Exercise to Explore Your Relationship with Money

Try this exercise: Imagine that money were a person; now imagine if you were sitting in a room, and money walked in, how would that make you feel? Now picture yourself and money sitting together on a couch. What thoughts, feelings, and emotions would be coming up for you? What responses would you be sensing in your body? Would you feel scared and anxious? Would you feel like you hate this person because of the way they have treated you in the past? Would you feel excited and curious? These are the kinds of questions that you will explore when working with a relational financial therapist. 

Why Checklists Don’t Define Relationships

Think about it this way: when we describe any other significant relationship in our lives, we rarely ever describe that relationship in terms of being able to follow a checklist of action items that are commonly accepted as “good” or “healthy” behaviors. For most of us, that would feel grossly reductive. For example, when I ask, “How would you describe your relationship with your best friend?” What comes to mind? Is it a checklist of good behaviors and action items that you may or may not have completed? No! We usually think about a relationship in terms of our emotional connection and our experience when we interact with the other person. It’s exactly the same when it comes to our relationship with money. As a financial therapist, when I ask someone, “How would you describe your relationship with money?” I am asking them to consider the experience they have when they interact with their money – NOT whether or not they have an HYSA or are making regular contributions to a retirement account.

How Financial Therapy Helps Heal Your Relationship with Money

As a financial therapist, I help people heal their relationship with money using a relational lens. Rather than asking questions like, “How much do you currently spend on restaurants and take out each week?” or “Are you contributing at least 10% of your take home pay to your savings account?” or “Do you know if you are on track to be able to support yourself when you reach retirement age?” We explore their relationship with money using a relational lens by asking questions such as, “How has money treated you throughout your life?” “How have you treated money?” How would you like to treat money?” “What would you like your experience to be like when you interact with money?” 

The Difference Between Financial Planning and Financial Therapy

Using the appropriate definition of “relationship with money” also informs the approach a professional may take in helping someone “heal their relationship with money.” A financial professional who views one’s “relationship with money” as a checklist of action items that should be completed will likely approach healing one’s relationship with money as an action-oriented process focused on getting their client to stop “bad” behaviors and complete the “good” behaviors on the checklist in the most efficient way possible. This is very different from the process of a financial therapist who is using a relational lens. As a financial therapist who uses a relational approach, my process often mirrors the type of process one would encounter when seeking to heal their relationship with someone such as a partner/significant other, a parent, a child or a friend. I offer support around acknowledging harm that may have occurred in the relationship in the past, healing relational wounds that still exist, identifying and disrupting unhealthy relationship patterns that continue to cause harm, and reinforcing the person’s relationship with themselves as the foundation of all healthy relationships in their life (including their relationship with money).

Take the Next Step in Healing Your Relationship with Money

If you would like to explore and heal your relationship with money with a financial therapist who uses a relational lens, I would love to connect with you! Click here to schedule a free consultation call.